When my husband joined the Rangers, a division of the Army’s Special Ops, I knew that eventually I’d have to leave New York City and my job as an editor there; I knew that I’d have to forge a life elsewhere, one that would likely not include coffee shops or great bookstores or a “real” profession. I was OK with this, looking forward even to being free of New York City, a place that still felt like home, but a home from which it was nearing time to escape.
Because life in New York did not turn out to be quite as romantic or free as I imagined: I loved my job as an editor, but, in my last years there, I worked from the moment I woke to the moment I went to sleep, bleary-eyed and heavy with exhaustion. I could never afford a loft in Soho – which turned out to be the equivalent of a giant, open-air mall, the artists long gone by the time I arrived – and I quit smoking when cigarettes reached $10 a pack. I stole moments to write before sunrise, or late on Saturday nights at a cramped table in McNally Jackson’s blessedly wifi-free café, drinking coffee as drunk hipsters streamed by outside. My writing life was a side note, a secret, a kind of mischief I committed when no one was looking. I knew this move would be a gift: For the first time, I could devote a serious chunk of my time to writing, a freedom I’d long stopped imagining as possible.
I comforted myself with this when my husband called me one evening after work to say we were being stationed in Columbus, Georgia, certainly the worst of the three options for Rangers. I was so angry and disappointed, I had to hang up the phone, wandering around the West Village instead of boarding the subway home, the city aglow, my city, a place that had become, for better or worse, an indelible part of who I am. I’d visited Andrew in Columbus for one of his graduations: It’s a city delineated by exit numbers – “I live off Exit 8” – and huge swaths of it are pocked with strip joints, run-down motels, and vacant shop fronts. This is not a literary town, and cultural events are few and far between. But everything is a trade-off, I told myself. You’ll survive just fine.
And I have. But it didn’t occur to me then how isolating it would be to lose my communities: my college and grad school friends, the editors I worked with, the fiction writing group that met once a week in an old professor’s living room. I occupied a world that valued what I am passionate about, and losing that world has been more difficult than I ever thought it would be. The year in New York that my husband was away was a lonely time. In retrospect, these communities were my lifelines, the people who kept me awake and engaged, offered me an identity, allowed me to see my reflection in them. While writing is at the center of my life here in Georgia, it has almost nothing to do with my day-to-day identity. I am, for all intents and purposes, a Ranger wife, and the writing I do each day – well, it is still a kind of mischief, a side note to my role as Army wife.
It’s a strange way to live, my external reality so far from the life of my mind, an uncomfortable dissonance that in some ways is maybe just part of the lonely reality of being an adult. I’m left now to pick up where my communities left off: I must work to keep the dream of writing and its significance from slipping out of my reach, to remember why I do it at all, to keep my gaze trained on it and let nothing distract me – not deployments, or trainings, or Ranger wives calling in the middle of the day: Oh, you’re just writing? I’ll come over. I imagine this is why people earn MFAs and try to find space in the cloistered academic and literary worlds: to be part of a culture that gives a shit about what you spend the better part of your day doing, alone.
Because we’re products of our culture, and right now, I live in a culture of conversations about breastfeeding versus formula, dinner recipes and deployment briefings. It is a culture centered around taking care of others, for in a world in which husbands are constantly, suddenly disappearing, that is what we are all tasked to do. It’s consuming, and I am in awe of the minority of Ranger wives who do juggle children and careers. In this world, writing sometimes feels frivolous and self-involved. More than anything, it feels off-topic, something that’s impossible to insert into conversation at a weekend barbeque. That inevitable New York City dinner party question—the one I grew to hate so much—is startlingly absent from the conversation here: “So, what do you do?” has become “Do you have any little ones yet?” And when I shake my head no, the look of pity begins (for who will distract you from your loneliness when your husband is away?) and the line of questioning stops.
Living in this world sometimes makes me feel as though I am just a woman who hasn’t had kids yet, a woman who is suddenly, terrifyingly behind. “You’re 29? Well, you don’t look that old,” a 20-year-old Ranger wife said to me, sweating and hugely pregnant at a cramped kitchen table during yet another barbeque. The frenetic New York sounds of honking horns and heels hitting the pavement, those noises that remind you you’ve gotta keep up or the city will leave you behind, are slowly being replaced by the loud, echoing tick of my biological clock, the deafening silence of my empty house, my empty nest. Implicit in that question, I hear: If you aren’t raising children, then what have you been doing? Writing seems like such an inadequate reply. I sit typing away at my computer while my eggs are shriveling up.
My writer friends tend to see my new world as grist for writing, and I suppose it is. But this is also my life, not some sociological quest. I am not play-acting the soldier’s wife; my husband is not play-acting deployment; we are not play-acting strained 1 AM phone conversations that are being monitored in Afghanistan. This may be a journey I’m undertaking, but on many days it feels like a destination in which I am stuck: I’ve arrived, and this is it, this is all.
But I am also deeply aware that I’m not exactly me in this equation, at least not during FRG (Family Readiness Group) meetings in conference rooms, spouse retreat talks that are Christian sermons in disguise, weekends of “mandatory fun” where children scamper across the carpet, the men in a silent circle out back chewing tobacco, guns splayed across the table, the women in the kitchen debating the benefits of homemade baby food: a conversation to which I am woefully incapable of contributing. Such gatherings can go on for interminable amounts of time, and I am truly awful at navigating them, unable to interpret the social cues. Is it appropriate to hug the men? Can I sit down with them out back and join in their conversation? Certainly giving Andrew’s boss a kiss hello on the cheek, which would have been customary in NYC, would not fly. Do I ask the wives questions about their lives, or follow their lead, which is to not ask anything at all?
The Army – and this, I’m sure, will be a real shocker – is a lot about fitting in: Wearing the right clothes, having the right values. Tossing around one’s real opinions can be a dangerous activity here, and, so, to a certain extent, we all play-act out of a pressing need to survive; we hide the parts of ourselves that we think may be indecent or suspicious. Writing feels like one of these things, a kind of taboo, a questionable waste of time. Sometimes, I feel as though I’m back in high school, hiding my bad poetry away in my math folder, afraid that people might find out who I actually am.
My husband has to do this on a far more complex, demanding level everyday that he goes to work. The other evening over dinner, he said that he was worried he was losing parts of himself, that, if he returned, he wouldn’t know how to manage the worlds he had once maneuvered so freely: the restaurants and bars where he bartended in Manhattan, the dirty streets of downtown San Francisco, the insanity of life in Beijing, the quaint Maryland campus of St. John’s, the many lives he’s lived.
And, looking at that fluttering American flag out front, I thought: Will the same happen to me? And then: What if it already has?
I don’t know the answer to those questions, but, in asking them, I found another question that surprised me: As long as I have the writing, does it matter?
Because while the title of “writer” is not my identity here, it has become something even more essential to my survival: a safe space which I’ve taught myself to closely guard, a place too precious and too irrelevant to even bring up in conversation. The act of writing requires me to call on as many parts of myself as I can, and it keeps those parts real and alive. This craft requires us, as Emily Rapp writes, to do the simplest and most difficult thing: be a human being. In a way, I’m returning to what writing was for me when I first discovered it as a kid – a method of survival, a refuge to which I can retreat when the world around me feels inhospitable and unkind. I’m remembering why I fell in love with it in the first place.
The act of writing is mostly about being alone. It’s about great inner solitude, as Rilke wrote, “going into oneself for hours meeting no one.” But here in Georgia, it has also turned out to be a powerful antidote for loneliness: it’s the most honest way I know how to connect with the world.
It’s surprising, sometimes, to see who reaches back—not just to my work, but to all the work we publish and edit on Vela. The other day, I was texting with another Ranger wife I am getting to know, and she mentioned out of the blue, “I read everything on Vela. I love it. That one about abortion really hit me hard – I was 19 when I got pregnant with my first, so I related to the tough choice. It made me cry.” I was stunned for a moment. But this is why I first came to writing and why I continue with the practice: It’s a private act with public consequence, and it’s only in that private moment that I can actually figure out what it is I really mean to say. Speech has always felt to me insufficient, and I feel this more than ever in a world where I am so evidently out of place. Writing allows for a deeper, unspoken connection between reader and writer, and why shouldn’t that be the case in this particular community? The act may be done in isolation, but at the end of the day, it lives, very firmly, in all of the worlds out there, literary or otherwise.
Simone, this moved me on so many levels. I am a Georgia native (Savannah), and I remember the Rangers stationed at Hunter coming out to Tybee to party on the weekends growing up. But more deeply, one of my dearest friends is an Army wife, and the things you mention here are things that she also navigates on a daily basis. She tells me, “I feel like I spend most of my life smiling and nodding,” and her husband tells her, “You can be yourself you know – you don’t have to be a chameleon.” But still she holds back. I think the thing that strikes me about how similar your essay is to my conversations with her, and especially at the end when your nascent friend tells you she reads Vela, is that maybe a lot of the Army wives feel the same as you – your lives are defined by your husband’s position/responsibility/deployment in ways that civilian wives are not, and you must be careful to maintain a certain image for the sake of your husband’s career and your family’s well-being. Maybe all of you, like SAHMs (which I am, and I’ll get to that in a sec) have secret inner lives and wish you could find someone to reveal your true self to. Because the final thing that struck me, and deeply, about your piece is that your feeling of out-of-placeness is profoundly familiar to me. As a stay-at-home-mom, I find that that role is the final judgement on me when I meet someone new. Anything meaningful (reading, writing) is a cute little hobby to keep the bored housewife occupied, or my true nature (swearing, bawdy) might offend other mothers who may not let their children play with mine because of my behavior. I hid myself for years, as my Army wife girlfriend did as well, but I’m slowly finding my tribe and letting myself out, and after a few moves, I have hope that you will too. I’m glad that you have found the space to write in your life, because I have enjoyed reading your words.
What a profoundly wonderful comment. Thank you so much, Andrea, for reading, and for responding so thoughtfully and articulately. In a way, what you wrote confirms that writing is out-reaching, that it connects those of us who may, from the outside, appear to be so different. I would love to read a piece about how confining the label of SAHM can be, and how mothers find ways to navigate that role while holding onto — and showing — other facets of their personalities/selves.
Ms. Gorrindo, you are a godsend. Not only because I am just beginning to understand how much Army wives truly hide away, but because now I can look out my window and say, “Someone on this post gets it.” Not just somewhere in the vast machine of the Army, but someone who is occupying the same Starbucks, the same Georgia heat, and the same weirdly-laid-out commissary. I doubt our paths will ever cross here (our stay here is temporary, we’re just in for a few months of training), but just knowing someone else is there is more than enough. The stilted nature of interactions with other wives has started to rob me of one of my core tenets of belief: that no matter how much people annoy you, every single person has their own private life of hopes and dreams that is just as important as everyone else’s. It’s hard to go to the monthly coffees and avoid the tendency to start thinking of everyone else as a cardboard cutout person, all in the same mold and with no individual thought, and that kind of thinking makes my existence lonelier. So thanks for the reminder, at a time when it was desperately needed, that everyone is still a person and I should keep trying to find the ones to whom I can relate.
Kelsey, YOU are a godsend. What a wonderful response, and I am in love with your Tumblr. My husband’s about to leave for Ranger School, so it will just be me, my dog, and heaps of silence for the next while here. If you’re ever bored and lonely, I’ll be here. (Well, off and on, thankfully.) It would be great to find a way to deliberately cross paths.
Your writing touches such profound and real spaces within. Although I’ve never been a military wife, as a woman-wife-mother-educator, I sought out my tribe–those women with whom I felt most at home.
What helped me is not a prescription for everyone, but starting a book club with women whom I knew deeply enjoyed reading was significant for me. I’m not very interested in chit-chat, so focusing on books that made an impression on us was a way into deeper conversations about life, family, and identity.
It’s heartening how you’ve reached women in a similar situation. Keep writing! It’s important on many levels for many.
Thanks, Dyan. Your words are always so encouraging. I did try to start a book club, but it’s fallen through three months in a row (it seems to be difficult to get everyone together at once). We’re still going to try to do it, though. I tried to join one in Columbus, but it was full. I could always start one myself outside of the Army — that may be something worth doing. Thanks for bringing up the idea.
This was a beautiful piece. It is hard for me to say how much it touched me.
My brother recently graduated from boot camp in Fort Benning (he’s a Calvary Scout) so going back there for his graduation I understand how you feel about the South. I am from the Northwest so the independent, liberal, free-speaking woman in me was shocked by the culture of blending in they have perfected in Georgia. It is the complete opposite in the Northwest, where artists tend to thrive. That being said my family is mostly straight-laced, blue-collar folks. My parents would never understand me telling them I want to be a writer and travel instead of getting a nine-to-five after I graduate this Spring. For now those dreams are a secret.
This was such an inspiring story. Thank you.
Thank you. It means so much to know that the piece touched you. I’m originally from the Bay Area myself, so I totally hear you on the culture shock. Enjoy the rest of school (college really is a uniquely free and blessed time in life, in my opinion), and I hope you continue to write, whether you’re working a 9-5 or traveling the world.
Oh, you’re just writing? I’ll come over.
The perils of working at home — and one of the reasons I won’t be following my husband to his next duty station. If the only way I can get the Army culture to respect my boundaries is to set those boundaries hundreds of miles away, then so be it.
I went through no small amount of culture shock moving from Chicago to southeast Georgia, but the isolation gave me a chance for self-examination and some of the better writing I’ve done. It’s amazing what you can produce when you’re not distracted by the bright lights and shiny things of a big city.
Thank you for writing this. I’m betting it’s touched more people than you ever planned.
This exquisite and articulate piece of writing moved me so much on so many levels. As someone who feels more comfortabe in the water swimming then walking on land and more comfortabe writing then talking I’m so happy to find your words and feel as though for right now as i read your stories and others comments that i do belong right here for this moment. Thank you.
Lovely, really beautiful. I was reading this and thought back to the year I spent in jail as a teenager [the sum of stupidity plus youth multiplied by burglary] and this felt so much like what I experienced in that spell. I only wish I’d distilled my thoughts on what I was experiencing as eloquently as you have here. Thanks so much for this and for continuing to use the window an online connection gives you, like paper planes drifting from rooftops.
This sincerely touched me on several different levels. My dad was an Army Ranger for 20 years, so I grew up moving around a lot and feeling lonely. I remember always, always writing as a kid and now that I’m in college I have such a hard time thinking of things to write. You’re piece made me realize it’s because I’m not lonely. Truthfully this makes me very sad, I love writing and I desperately want to have ideas and sit at a desk for hours typing the lives of fictional characters that to me are very real. However, at the same time I don’t want to isolate myself. This was a beautifully written piece and I felt a real connection not just with the story but with you as well. It also makes me curious as to how my mom felt being a Ranger wife, especially when she was a stay-at-home mom. I also connnected with you and you’re husband about losing parts of yourself. Since coming to college I’ve acquired a lot of great new skills and developed the better parts of my personality, but I feel pieces of the old me that I liked slipping away with this new growth.
Thank you for writing, you’re an inspiration.